To the Hot Box Mrs. Thornton (written for answers.com vocabulary writing challenge)

What ya’ got here, Officer, to all intents and purposes is a kind a’ quid pro quo situation, I mean ya’ know, like that movie, The Yo-Yo Affect. Let’s say there’s a wife, and she’s on a tropical vacation at a resort in Belize with hubbie and the kids. Some kinda trip he says he's won for bein' a big shot travel booker. She's real happy gettin' massages and thinkin' maybe he's not the loser she thought he was all these years. And let’s say, she finds out from the poolboy, inadvertantly like, that it’s the same place he took his mistress last month when he says he’s on a business trip to Newark. Let’s say the wife keeps it to herself and then she hires a P.I. and tracks down Jezebel. Then she confronts her at her place of employment, Nail’s N Other Stuff. And finally, let’s say the mistress didn’t know nothin’ of a Mrs. in Mr. Sugar Daddy’s life. Now there’s gonna be all H. E. double hockey sticks to pay. See, the Yo-Yo Affect is what the poor sucker set into motion.

I didn’t see that one Detective, The Yo-Yo Affect that is. All I know is the front of Quixotic Travel Agency here is covered in the strangest graffiti I’ve ever seen. This isn’t the ubiquitous art-work we see every day down at the train yard. It’s apparent this isn’t our usual graffiti perp. Who the heck uses, ABROGATE OR ELSE as their social statement? Abrogate or else? And what’s with those insect carcasses crushed all over the display window?

I’m way ahead a' ya officer. The guys from the lab were here earlier and took some samples. The initial report says it’s either the remains of African killer bees, or about a gallon full a’ mashed brown recluse spiders. They’ll let us know when they finish runnin' a few more tests. Now I’m thinkin’ it’s the killer bee theory. Try ‘n follow this. It seems like our Mr. Loverboy Thornton is the owner and main share holder in the Quixotic Travel Adventures. He comes in early ta work this morning and finds his window covered in red paint ‘n bug guts. When he called us he was babblin' about his wife an' his girl friend, an' Newark an' was askin' for a priest. We also found out that he has a serious case a’ beephobia on account of a childhood bee situation he didn’t want to talk about. He can smell bees a mile away. He practically broke out in hives when he found this mess. Then I got to thinkin’ about the spiders. Where would a body get a bucket a’ spiders this time a’ year. Especially ones as shy as those ones. I’m puttin’ my money on the bees.

I want to understand the facts so far Detective. We have a two-timing husband with a case of guilt and a worse case of mellisophobia. We have one vandalized store-front. We have two likely subjects, Mrs. Thornton and Mrs. Thornton WannaBe. Where do we go from here?

Officer, if we’re lookin’ for a suspect, my instincts tell me it’s the wife. And here’s why. She’s tee’ed off at her cheatin’ husband. She’s sick of her perfunctory housewife life. She’s at home washin' his socks and he’s takin’ them off for some other woman. She don’t want a divorce. She just wants to shake things up and get the old boy back in the harness. Make 'im sweat for awhile. Who else would know about the bee problem but wifey? Who else would be demanding some kind a’ breakup but wifey?

It could have been the mistress Detective. Isn't that a possibility? What I'm saying is, it’s possible he could have told her about the bees too. She could know about the bees, right?

Well, here’s where I earn my badge Junior. The secret’s in the words. Abrogate or else. If you're a word person like myself, that tells ya’ everything. No need for a divorce, just a break up. If it was the mistress she would a’ scrawled, DIVORCE OR ELSE, ya’ followin’ me? No reason for a divorce if you're only lookin' for an abrogation, see? Listen, while I get myself a mega-mocha-latte down at the Piggly Wiggly, why don't ya' stop by the Thornton place 'n see if there's any red paint n' bug juice under Mrs. T's finger nails?? It might be time to bring 'er in for a little one-on-one conversation in the hot box Officer. Put a little Matlock pressure on 'er. Nothin' too pushy, just let 'er know we mean business. Dollars to donuts by the end of the day we’ll be able to say, this case is CLOSED.